Slowly.

The past couple of weeks have been rough--very taxing and emotionally draining. Friday night, I got home from work and just started sobbing as soon as I walked in the door.

At work, my boss has been in the middle of preparing tax returns (no small matter when you have quite a lot that belongs to you). In the midst this already busy time:

-The dishwasher broke (I've been washing dishes for 2 weeks now)
-The vacuum broke
-The van had to go into the shop for BADLY squealing brakes
-My boss's car broke down
-My boss's computer CRASHED
-My boss's husband went out of town ( = me working late)
-Vinny has had massive amounts of homework ( = me working late)
-The cleaning lady's husband died for suddenly and unexpectedly, which has cast a sorrowful air over daily life and grieved our hearts for her sake

All of those things combined serve to create an atmosphere in which I have so much extra to do and everyone is emotionally charged and stressed out and tired and it's just a lot to carry around on one's shoulders.

Then I come home, and take on a whole new set of responsibilities and stresses and To-Do Lists and sometimes it feels unbearable. All I can see is everything I haven't done, which is particularly discouraging when you're so tired and just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and then wake up and read, and then sleep some more. I'm an idealist and very hard on myself. I have a vision of what I want my home to look like, my marriage to look like, my life to look like, etc. and when I fall short of that (I always do), I feel like such a failure, who will never accomplish anything. I'm also impatient with myself. I don't accept the fact that it's taking me time to shape our new home into the place I want it to be. I want it all done yesterday. I look around and all I can see is that we still need a bookcase, patio furniture, an outdoor umbrella, a rug, storage baskets, plants for the patio, etc, etc, etc! I need to accept that good things are happening. Slowly. Progress is being made. This weekend we bought a hot plate. Now we can eat hot meals. Now we can have things like spaghetti for dinner.

This weekend, I also got: an iPhone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a wonderful addition to our lives!!! Now I can take and share pictures like this so easily:



This morning was sunny and peaceful. I got up before 7. I read. I went to Mass. I love Tuesdays.



The problem is that on my days off I want to do nothing. I want to sleep and read, and I feel so overwhelmed by all that I have to do that I just sleep, sleep, sleep, and feel awful at the end of the day for getting nothing done. Even our vacations are stressing me out! Instead of looking forward to our upcoming trip to Hawaii, I feel stressed out about it because I haven't planned out our time there yet. Which hikes will we go on? Which beaches will we visit? What days should we rent a car? At this point, I want to throw in (out) the (beach) towel, and say, "We're spending every day at the same beach, laying in the sun, reading, and swimming, and drinking Mai Tais. For 8 days." That kind of sounds like paradise.

I need peace and acceptance, and not some furious demand of life that it be exactly the way I think it should be. The world spins on. The Giants are having a heck of a post season, and my husband is loving every second of it. Tonight we are going to Pasadena to place an order for a custom designed bookshelf made of reclaimed wood built by these guys ( http://www.arborla.com ), which I am SO excited about.

And 11 days from today we take off for Paradise. Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii.

Lord, have mercy.